Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
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