my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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