my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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