Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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