My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
high people should be assigned attendants
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
