I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
