I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
