Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
