i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
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