I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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