sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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