Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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