I want to stick my p in your. b.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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