You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
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