I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
