I think my vagina is haunted
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Text me some of your sweat
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
