OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
