I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
