I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Ladies don't puke and tell
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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