So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
