No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I think my fart just growled at me.
the condom got lost in my hair
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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