My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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