Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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