That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
It's rum buckets o'clock
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
