I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Randomize
