I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
