Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
