You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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