You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
