Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
