drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Randomize
