Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
