go do what you do best...puke behind churches
this just has baby written all over it
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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