she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
