I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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