can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
