Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
