I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
