and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
