My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
