She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
