Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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