This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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