There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Also, beer. Big fan.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
