I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
