He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
