i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
