the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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