So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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