Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
